Tuesday December 21, 2010

I have the week off, today took my boys to see "Tron". It was nice to get out and spend some time with them. I think it was good for us.

I had a really hard time sleeping last night all I could think about was of Devaun. I thought I had heard his voice calling out "mom" and I will turn to look for him, but then realized it was probably just in my dream.

Now that things have quieted down it seems like it is harder for me. I am really sad and missing Devaun and cry off and on no matter where I am at. I guess its just part of the grieving process. I am just going to take it a day at a time and cherish the time that I have with Peyton and Kaden. Life is short and I have to kiss, hug and love my kids even more.

Sunday December 19, 2010

Today was the funeral. We had a buddhist funderal, it went really nice. There were so many people there that had showed up during the viewing and the funeral. Devaun had touched so many lives all young and old. I am so honored to have raised such a wonderful loving boy. But so sad he had to leave us so soon. I know that he is a better place now and we will meet him again someday. I will miss him so much.

We just have to remember all the good times we had with him and will always keep him in our hearts. I know that the boys and I still have a long road ahead of us. But talking about it with each other will definitely help us all.

Now we have to go through the healing period....

Thanks everyone again for all the love and support through it all. I am so glad that Devaun was able to make it to Disneyland and Legoland with all the people that he wanted there. Because of you all, all of us were able to go. Thank you so so so much!!!

Saturday December 18, 2010

Yesterday we went to dress Devaun in his suit. It was hard but glad we did it. He looks so handsome and peaceful. I still cant believe that Devaun is gone, but glad that he is no longer in pain.

I tried putting some of his toys away the other night and couldnt do it. It was too hard for me, I guess when I am ready to. That time will come.

We had a Buddhist blessing for him last night. It went really well. It was nice to see faces of people that I havent seen for a long time and loved the positive, happy, loving energy that was around.

Today we will be running around and getting things ready for the viewing later today.

Thursday Decemeber 16, 2010

Thanks again for all the thoughts and prayers. I know Devaun is in a better place now, he is no longer in pain and is with his grandpa.

The viewing will be at Larkins Sunset Gardens on Saturday from 3:00- 5:00pm and the funeral service will be on Sunday 1:00-3:00pm.

His obituary will be in the papers tomorrow (Friday).

Wednesday December 15, 2010

Today is a very sad day for everyone. My little Devaun had passed away and is now with his grandpa. He had passed very peacefully.
I didnt think it was going to be so soon cause he was alert and talking yesterday, but I guess he was ready to go.

He had a great life, in the short amount of time that he was here. He is loved by so many people. For everyone that knew Devaun they will miss his contagious smile and loving personality.

Devaun is in a better place now. He is no longer in pain or suffering from the horrible cancer. I will miss him terribly but I know we will see each other again soon. He will always be with us in spirit and I'm sure he will visit his brothers from time to time.

I am so thankful for all the love and support from everyone, especially through tough times like this. As a parent it never crosses your mind that you would ever go through something like this. You always think that your children will out live you. I believe there is a reason for everything that happens in life. Devaun was brought here for a reason, he has done what was needed here on earth and now returning to heaven. He will be missed and is loved by many.

For those that would like to attend his funeral, it will be at Larkin Sunset Gardens in Sandy, on Sunday December 19th. Unsure of the time but will keep everyone updated.

Tuesday December 14, 2010

Today on the way to dropping the boys off to school. Kaden asked me why the doctors just couldnt cut the cancer out of Devaun. I had to explain to him that even if they had taken it out of one spot, it still has spread to other areas of his body that they wouldnt be able to take it out from and there are no medicines right now that can make it go away. Peyton and Kaden both said that they are going to miss their brother a lot. I said that I am going to miss him too but we have to remember all the happy and good times and that Devaun will be in heaven with his grandpa and he wont have the cancer or be in pain anymore.
I am really glad that the boys feel like they can open up and talk to me about their feelings and cry if they feel like they need to cry. I am so lucky that I have such wonderful, caring and loving boys.

I didnt go to see Devaun but Jerre and his brothers had gone over there to visit him and watched "Dispicable Me". The boys were waiting for that movie to come out on DVD.

Devaun is doing okay today but a little drowsy. Probably from the meds.

He slept really well last night and didnt wake up from any pain. Since the nurse had increased the dosage, he is not in as much pain. Was also a little more chatty than yesterday. Which is always nice to hear.

Right now he is spending some quality time with Luv. I think its really important for Devaun and his mom to have some alone time with each other, it is good for both of them.

Monday December 13, 2010

The boys and I took the day off to spend some time with Devaun. Before we decided to take the day off, Peyton and Kaden asked me about Devaun and why he looks the way that he does. I had to explain to them that their brother wasnt going to be able to fight the cancer and that he was going to go to heaven with their grandpa and that Devaun won't be in anymore pain or suffering when he is in heaven. It was so hard for me to see them in tears, crying for their brother. I try to explain as much as I can and also answer any questions they have. I believe the more we are open to talk about it the easier it will be for the boys to deal with.

It was nice and quiet at the house. Devaun was hanging out watching tv with Luv and Sone. He had a rough night last night and was in a lot of pain.

The hospice nurse and doctor came over today to check up on Devaun. Afterwards they talked to me and Luv and said told us that we will start noticing that he will be really anxious and irritable and probably won't feel like having people around much. They also said that he has maybe a week to a week and a half left. I just dont want him to be suffering anymore and want him to be in peace. Its hard for everyone to see him how he is.
A little later Devaun asked Shawn to read his new book "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" to him. The boys listened as Shawn read til Devaun fell asleep, resting peacefully. It was good that he wanted to listen to a story rather than watching tv or playing video games. I think he really enjoyed it.

Luv and I had Shawn stay with Devaun and the boys while we went out to buy a suit and shoes for Devaun for when that time comes. It was hard, but that day is coming and we had to be prepared. We talked and cried, and are both at peace with Devaun passing.

Devauns teacher Ms. Tamra Fuhriman came over and visited him. It was really nice. Devaun was up and alert and talking to her. She had brought gifts over for him and his brothers and he seemed like he really enjoyed seeing her there.

The night ended watching "Dragon Hunters". The night quiet and peaceful for Devaun. Which is what he needs right now.

We are taking it a day at a time, giving him lots of love and kisses and just cherish every moment we have with him.

Sunday December 12, 2010

Today we had an early Christmas dinner for Devaun. There were so many people there that brought over gifts and gave their blessings and most importantly their love. My family, my ex's family, the family from his biological dads side were all there, as well as other family and friends. It was very emotional for people to see him the way that he is knowing and remembering what he looked like just a few months before. Laughing, running, playing and enjoying his life as a carefree little boy.

Ealier today when he went to the bathroom, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the tile floor. I jumped up and ran into the bathroom and he was laying there crying and holding his head. It was soooo heart breaking. From what the hospice nurse had said was that he probably was really dizzy from his pain meds. She did come out to check up on him cause he was saying his vision was really blurry and I was worried that he may have a little concussion or something. I felt so horrible that he fell and I should have made sure he was okay going to the bathroom by himself.

He just seems to be feeling really tired and exhausted lately and looks so frail. I hate seeing him suffering and feeling the way that he feels.

I am glad the night went well. The dinner was great, all the people there are great, overall it was a really nice night and I couldnt have asked for it to be any better. I think Devaun could feel all the love around him.

Saturday December 11, 2010

Today we had Peyton's 11th birthday party at Incredible Pizza. It was fun for everyone, but we were missing Devaun. He wasnt feeling very well, so he stayed home with Luv.

Afterwards we went to my moms house to be with him. He hasnt eaten much today except for a couple strawberries and grapes. He also hasn't been taking the extra pain medication when he needs a little extra, but just rather deal with the pain. Its so hard to see him crying and hurting in pain and refuses to take his meds.

I had talked to the hospice nurse today and was told that he probably won't make it to Christmas. From the looks of it I dont think he will make it through the rest of the next week. I am trying to be strong through this but its getting harder and harder seeing him the way that he is. I just feel so helpless and dont know what to do. I know there is nothing that I can do but just sit and watch and try to make him feel a little better. He has also been wanting Luv (biological mom)to be with him constantly. I think it is so wonderful that she is here for him now, especially when he needs her. I know that he loves me and will always love me but I think right now he needs his biological mother there and needs to feel her love.

He has so many people that love and care about him and we hope that he can feel the love that surrounds him. Please everyone, say an extra prayer for him as I will.

Friday December 10, 2010

Today Devaun has been really tired. He has slept and rested most of the day. It is getting harder for him to go up and down the stairs and is still hard for him to keep solids down. We are going to keep trying to give him the shakes and Ensure.
Devaun needs some rest today, so his Uncle Sundone and Megan (Sundones girlfriend) will stay with him tonight. All the kids are home with me and staying the night at my house so Devaun can have some quiet time. He needs it. I am sure its hard for him with people their visiting all the time, but I know that he really enjoys seeing new faces.

Its so hard to see your child in pain and nothing you can do to help him or take the pain away. As a parent you feel so helpless. But we will get through this as a family, enjoy and cherish every moment we have together.

Thursday December 9, 2010

Today is Peytons 11th birthday. Wow, how time flies! After picking Peyton and Kaden up from school and on our way to see Devaun, I asked Peyton what he would like to eat or do for his birthdsy and he says "I just want to play games with Devaun and spend time with him". He is such a loving and caring older brother.

We walk in the door, Devaun is downstairs and appears to be sleeping. I kneel down, look at him for a second and was going to give him a kiss. Devaun opens his eyes real quick and says loudly "Hi mom!" and I jumped. I said "Devaun my heart dropped, you scared me." Of course all the boys are laughing cause nothing is funnier than scaring the crap out of your mother.
So glad that I can still make them laugh even if it's at my expense.

Clint and Troy from High Tech came over to visit Devaun and delivered some gifts for the boys from Santa. I am so thankful and honored to be able to meet such wonderful people and hope to meet the great company they are employed with. I'm speechless and have no words that can express how thankful I am for everything that everyone has done for our family. People have come out from all over to show their love and support for our family.

About an hour later, my Aunt Suzy, Uncle Billy and his daughter came over to visit as well. It was nice having some family over laughing, talking and just remembering the old days.

Devaun has been retaining a lot of fluid and hasnt been able to keep his medicine down that helps him get rid of the fluid. Today he was finally able to take it and keep it down. All it took was a little homemade strawberry banana shake made by his awesome Uncle Sundone. Soon after, Devaun was able to fall asleep soundly.

Wednesday December 8, 2010

Devaun has been feeling a little tired today. He hasnt eaten much but has been drinking lots of fluids. So at least he is getting a little something in his tummy. Around dinner time he says he feels like eating a fettuccine alfredo tv dinner and a lunchable with the kool aid packet. How funny is that?

Its so amazing how grateful and strong children are. Even though he is not feeling well, he still says "Thank you" and is so polite and loving.

Its great sitting here watching Spongebob and seeing him smile and chuckle. A smile you can never forget.

Maxie, Devauns little 3lb. yorkie puppy, was barking like crazy playing with our miniature schnauzer Kiko. The barking was getting too loud for Devaun, so he says "mom get Maxie and wrap him up in the blanket so he calms down". At first I was a little confused, but what do I know. I wrap him up in the blanket and Maxie zonks out. Wow, I just learned a new trick from Devaun. Tonight ends quiet and peaceful, watching tv and Maxie sleeping in Devauns lap.

This brings us up to date with what is going on with Devaun and I will continue writing some each day.

The beginning...

Early to mid August 2010 on a warm summer evening me, Shawn, Devaun, Peyton and Kaden were having fun jumping on the trampoline, doing flips, laughing and having a good time. It was later that evening when Devaun had said he felt a little pain in his side. It seemed to be a side ache or muscle strain from the crazy tricks he was doing. We kept an eye on it but didnt notice it getting any worse. Late August 2010 we took the boys to Panguitch lake to go fishing and camping. The fishing was slow that weekend and only one of us had caught a fish, it was Devaun. The day after Devaun had caught the fish he said his side was hurting so I gave him a couple Tylenol for the pain and that seemed to help. We still though this was an injury from the trampoline. We fed a horse named "Henry", fished, camped and relaxed, it was fun times. The next day, on a Monday, Devaun was still feeling a little pain or side ache. We decided to take him to the instacare. The doctors thought it was either a muscle strain or appendix. They did a urinalysis and an xray. Something must have shown up on the xray because they wanted to do an ultrasound at the Salt Lake Clinic. Later that same day we went in to get the ultrasound done and had to wait for our family doctor to go over the xray. This was one of the longest days of my life, just waiting and waiting for the doctor to call back on the results of the ultrasound. So by about 5 pm or so, he calls me and tells me that there is a mass that showed up around the liver. As soon as I heard those words, I just broke down and cried. Flashbacks of what my dad had gone through when he had lost his life to liver cancer went through my head. And now I have a doctor telling me that my 9 year old son has a growth or mass in his liver. We then had scheduled to do a biopsy of the liver to determine what the mass was. The earliest we could get in to do the biopsy wasnt for another week.

September 9,2010, we had taken Devaun to see Dr. Eric Scaiffe to perform the biopsy of the liver. What he found was that the mass was cancer and there was also calcification on the other side of his abdomen. When they told me the news at first, all I could do was leave the room we were in and cry in the hall. The worst thing a parent can ever hear. They first had thought that it was Hepatocellular Carcinoma (Cancer of the liver). Which is extremely rare in children with a very grim prognosis. They immediately admitted Devaun to Primary Childrens Hospital. After his biopsy, we saw his incision, it had gone from one side of his abdomen to the other. During the next couple weeks was a waiting game for the pathology results to come back on the biopsy. His incisions were healing very well without any problems. We met with the oncologists, Dr. Afify and Dr. Sato, awesome doctors and so caring through every step of the way, we discussed treatment options and they felt it was a battle worth fighting. The plan was to start chemotherapy and after a few rounds of treatment, if the tumor has gotten small enough, that they would be able to surgically remove the tumor.

It was time to start his first round of chemo. Devaun did great. He didnt get sick after the chemo. He was sitting up watching a movie and was also eating during the treatment. We were optimistic at this time that he is making it through the first one. A few weeks had gone by and he is still feeling really good and still eating, playing video games, teasing his brother Kaden and still acting like our little Devaun. In total he had spent over a month in the hospital. He was starting to get sick of being in a little room all day and not being able to do as much. We had to wait til they were able to get his vitals and stuff back to normal so he could come home. Being at the hospital for that long was getting really hard for him. He wanted to be home. Although the people and staff at Primary Childrens Hospital were all wonderful and do so much for the kids, I am sure they would want to go home where they feel more comfortable.

Middle of October, we get the good news that Devaun will be able to come home. We were all exstatic! My sister stayed at the hospital with Devaun to get him ready to come home. I ran to my car and drove as fast as I could to clean and sanitize my entire house, because the chemotherapy takes its toll on the immune system. So yes, by the time I was done, I was sweating, fingers hurting and just dirty from all of the cleaning, but it was so worth it to get my baby back home and safe. By about 3:30 pm Devaun, Luv and my mom were home. First thing Devaun does, is plop on the couch and turns on the PS3 and plays Call of Duty. My little boy is finally comfortable and able to relax.

Luckily he was able to go trick or treating with his brothers. He dressed up as a skeleton with a bleeding rib cage, Peyton was Jason from the Friday the 13th movies and Kaden was a scary Vampire. Towards the end of the evening he was getting tired so we finished trick or treating by pulling him in a wagon. They were able to get tons of candy.

About a week later, he had to go back to the hospital for a few days for his second round of chemotherapy. This time was a little different. He got a little nauseous and it seemed a little harder on him. But he made it through.

Once a week we would have to go back to the hospital to do CT Scans and blood work to see how the cancer was responding to the chemo. After about the 3rd week is when we found out the blood work came back looking really good. There is a chemical that the cancer produces and the numbers in the blood work were dropping significantly. When the CT scan came back, the tumor had almost doubled in size and had spread to his lungs, spleen and lymph nodes. We then talked to the radiologist and he said that there was nothing on his part that he could do. They were hoping that they would be able to go through one of the main veins to the liver and administer the chemo directly to the tumor. Unfortunately, the tumor in the liver had blocked off one of the other main veins and that side of the liver was dying off and the only blood the liver was getting was through the only vein left. So that procedure had to be ruled out. It seemed like the doctors were stumped and didnt know what else to do in such a rare case. Some other pathology had come back from Texas and California. The final diagnosis of Devauns cancer is now Mixed Acinar Hepatic Carcinoma (cancer of the pancreas and the liver). We are now told that we need to focus on Devaun and giving him the best right now. I am devistated to hear this news as well as the family.

Devaun had wished to go to Disneyland and Legoland with his whole family. Thankfully Make a Wish Foundation was able to get me, Luv, Devaun, Peyton and Kaden fully paid. That was part of his wish, another part was to get the rest of the family there as well.
I had contacted Sunrise Elementary and let them know about everything. Being such a wonderful school and getting the word out to the staff, students, parents and others. It was great. Also my employer EMIHealth had put together a bake sale to help raise money to get our family to Disneyland as well. My wonderful friend Andi Ulfich had put together a fundraiser with fun games, food, raffles etc., From Crumbs to Cakes had donated a $1.00 for every cake or cupcakes sold for Devaun. People had donated through Devauns Chase bank account and also through Paypal. There are absolutely no words that can express how much this all meant to us and how people come together in times of need.
We were all able to go to Disneyland!

Thursday November 18, 2010 we all met at the Salt Lake International airport, got checked in and ready to get on the flight. Devaun was sitting next to Luv, Kaden was with me, Peyton was with Shawn, my brothers and mom spread all throughout the plane. The flight seemed normal until just after we started our decent. Realizing that we werent landing, the flight attendant comes on the mic and tells us to prepare for an "emergency landing". Seriously??? My heart dropped and I was scared for my kids and my family. I had a million things going through my mind... This cant be happening... where are all my boys?... where's my family?... are we going to die like this?
The flight attendant comes back on the mic and says everyone put your head down and hold onto your ankles. I can feel that we are getting closer and closer to the ground. The flight attendant yelling "Put your head down, stay down, stay down, brace yourself, brace yourself".
Some of us heard the pilot faintly say "pray, pray, pray" but others heard "brace, brace, brace". Either way, we were freaking out.

Megan (Sundone's girlfriend) was crying and worried she wouldn't be able to tell her son Dominic that she loved him, so I told her to just yell it to him and he would hear her. So she yelled it out across the plane. Yes Dominic heard his mother telling him that she loved him.

I had my arm around Kadens head trying to protect it as I had my forearm held out in front of me to protect my head and all I could do for the rest is just pray that they would all be safe.
We landed on the runway, luckily the pilot had used the brakes to steer us off the runway veering a little to the left. We finally stop and all I see are emergency vehicles coming our way. I was thinking maybe we were going to catch on fire or something. But it was just protocol. What ended up happening was that the steering on the front of the plane had gone out. After we landed safely, we had to be tugged to the gate. That was the most terrifying flight I have ever taken and everyone was shaken from that event.

We make it to our hotel at the Sheraton. Got 2 adjoining rooms. It was fun for us all. That day we relaxed and rested to get ready for our big day in Disneyland.
Got up and was at Disneyland at about 9am. All of us were there Me, Shawn (my boyfriend), Luv (my sister), Sundone (youngest brother), Megan (Sundone's girlfriend), Sone (my brother), Mikki (Sones girlfriend), then the kids Devaun, Peyton (oldest of the 3 boys), Kaden (youngest) and Dominic (Megans son). We have family from California as well that met us up at Disneyland. So we had about 15 or so people with us in our group. It was crazy! The weather was a little cool but not raining. So it was good. We went on most all of the major rides, the kids loved it! We would watch Devaun and he always had a smile on his face while he was riding and when got off the rides. Although he wasn't feeling 100% he was still having fun.

At the beginning of the next day we went out to eat at Captain Kidds all you can eat buffet. The food was the most disgusting thing any of has had eaten. The boys didn't even eat the food. This was the second time on the trip that all of us almost lost our lives.(sarcasm). The food was seriously that bad.

On Sunday, we went to Legoland, about a 45 minute drive from where we were at. It was interesting, mostly water rides that were closed because it was raining but they still had some other rides open. We were able to ride on most of those rides. Saw some really interesting mini lands made of legos of the Daytona Speedway, San Francisco, Washington DC,New York City...
Left Legoland pretty early as well cause Devaun was getting really tired and not feeling well.

Monday, we went shopping at Downtown Disney. I would have to admit we did spoil the boys. They got what they wanted. Thankfully they are not needy little boys.

By 6pm we got on our flight back home. Everyone was a little nervous from the flight there, but we all made it safe and sound and came home to snow. Yuck! We all made it home and everyone crashed.

Devaun's condition since we have gotten back from the trip has worsened. He is a little jaundice, vision is blurry, retaining a lot of fluid all over and has been in more pain. Thankfully hospice has switched his pain meds and he is doing a lot better with those. He is still eating and drinking and has a good appetite.
Still teases his brothers, talks my ear off (I love it), his little personality is still shining.